Sunday, December 3, 2023

Jud’s Jottings: At The Doctors – Part Two

So, I were tellin’ yu that I’d bin t’doctors at ‘ealth centre. I think ‘ealth centre. Thi shud get done under trades discription. More like unhealthy centre. Yu could catch yer death. Thiz all these folks wi’ some lurgy or other. It’s non safe.

Any road, me number come up. What? No, didna die. You get this number, like y’get at deli counter but instead o’ askin’ for ‘alf o’ pound o’ ox tongue tha’ gets t’ see quack.

“How are you?” he axed.

I said “’ow do I know? Thart doctor.”

He grinned. I think it were a grin. It could a’ bin trapped wind.

“Take your clothes off.”

I were a bit purrout. “Dunt tha’ think we shuda bin out a couple times fost? Wi shud ‘ave ‘ad dinner at least.”

‘is smile ‘ad tonned into a grimace.

I beat a ‘asty retreat.

“Where shud I put me clothes?” I axed.

“Over there, on top of mine.”

The doctor frowned.

“You could do with losing some weight,” the doctor said. “There’s a new slimming course just out where they remove all your bones; not only do you weigh less, but you also look so much more relaxed.”

I can’t say I cared for his tone.

“I need to do a rectal examination. Bend over.”

I were a bit concerned but I thought ‘e’s a doctor. ‘e mun know worreez doin’. So I bent ovver. It were at this point I realised I’d positioned mesen rather badly. No soone ‘ad I bent ovver than noss oppened door. Now door handle and particular part of my anatomy were

… well, let’s just say thi were in close proximity. I’ll tell thi this… me eyes ‘aven’t wattered so much since our Ben’s Doberman took a shine to me rear end.

I won’t go into more detail. Sufficient t’say I stood up a bit quick.

That’s when I noticed Doctor staring at me. Y’know… down there, so t’speak.

“What’s tha’ spotted doc?” I axed. “Is summat wrong.”

He bent forward for a closer look. I were beginning t’ think it were summat serious.

“Worriz it?” I asked.

He adjusted ‘is glasses. “It’s that tattoo. Why on earth would you have LUDO tattooed on your privates?”

“Actually, doc, on a good day it says Llandudno.”

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